Fanfic 11
by Newaz
Summary: It's fanfic... TURNED UP TO 11.
1. Mega Space Love STORY!

Fanfic 11  
  
Chapter 1  
  
-----  
  
"Keep our present course!"  
  
KABOOMs went the massive explosions as they ripped through the spaceship! The crew of the massive S.S. ESSESS shrieked in panic as they ran about all wiggly- piggly away from the massive fire and fatal vacuums that had started spouting up all over the place because of the massive aliens attacking their massive ship. The spaceness outside was TEEMING with aliens in their spaceships, flying around the ship and firing lasers and using alien devices that shot even bigger lasers at the ship. The EXTRASLICEZOR forces were a continual threat to the human race, and were on the verge of destroying their current target: THE S.S. ESSESS.  
  
"Sted fast, crew!" yelled the massive captain of the massive vessel while he sat in his massive chair. Captain Yhisaki "Ishmaelstrom" Matsumitosamakamichaniko, the devilishly handsome, 17-year-old male commander sat in his chair with a look of contemplation on his ship, apparently unfazed by the explosions and death- dealing forces swirling around outside in space and shooting at him. He was thinking about how he was going to explain his act of betrayal to his girlfriend/fiance. Well, one of his girlfriend/fiances, because he had about eight. He had accidentally fallen down upon Kiyiroka in the lunchroom and had the misfortune to land in a manner quite unfitting a man of his position: WITH A HAND ON ONE OF HER MANY UNMENTIONABLES. Kiyiroka totally PUNCHED HIM IN THE FUCKING FACE FOR HIS TRANSGRESSION, but not before one of his other girlfriend/fiances, Ayani, saw him and burst out into tears because she thought that Yhisaki didn't love her. Not that she should worry, because she was merely a robot assassin out to kill the president with a BOMB IN HER RIBCAGE, but lost her memory so she forgot and stopped wanting to, but then came across the ship at a ship port and stowed away and eventually fell in love with our dashing hero. Kiyiroka was just a slut who's stalking Yhisaki.  
  
Not that that was a big fucking problem at that moment, what with all the people dying and imminent implosion and aliens attacking, but dammit, Yhisaki didn't want there to be any misunderstandings for his innocent accidents!  
  
"Captain!!" yelled some nameless blue-haired(but still really pretty and busty) comm-reader. "Your orders! The EXTRASLICEZOR forces are still firing! Our ship's at 31% hull-integrity!"  
  
"Dammit woman, I told you to Sted Fast!" Yhisaki snapped, shaking his fist at the woman, who cowered and bowed multiple times in response. "Follow orders and we'll get through this alive! You have to trust me!"  
  
"Yes sir!"  
  
As a particularly big explosion wrenched Yhisaki from his chair and threw him to the ground, he couldn't help but wonder what his third girlfriend/fiance Anistika was cooking him at the moment. Oh, how that girl liked cooking, though she was so horribly shy around him he wondered why she kept at it. Cooking was a very social project, and should be treated as such.  
  
Yhisaki started to laugh maniacally, but then the ship shuddered under it's own collapsing weight and a bunch of ceiling fell on him.  
  
*****  
  
"Coooooking is fun, cooooooking is great, if I could only cooooooking then sealed would be my fate!"  
  
Anistika happily puttered around the kitchen happily, her long flowing robes nearly covered in flour and chocolate and ketchup as she sang her happy, though strange, song of joy and cooking. She was happy because of two things: she was cooking, and she was cooking. She really really liked cooking, despite how horribly shy she was around everyone who wasn't herself and her waffle iron. Being a normal Japanese girl of 16, she had a deep desire to get married and settle down with no more than two children and live a happy life of cooking and contentment until she died of OLD AGE and NOTHING ELSE.  
  
"Oh, my Happy Happy Meat and Gravy Cake will make Yhisaki so happy! That will also make me happy because he likes it so much! He'll want to eat my cooking every day for the rest of his life and he'll be as happy as I will be after we're married!"  
  
Anistika continued puttering about, putting things in bowls and mixing them and then perhaps putting them into an oven to be cooked or perhaps broiled, like her cake was doing. Doing nicely, at that. Such a meal would be fit for a king, but only if that king were Yhisaki, because he was the only thing in Anistika's small and sheltered life that gave her any compassion during cooking school, apart from her parents and brother and friends and schoolmates before she came onto the ship here. And because of that kindness, she swore that she would repay his deeds with cooking and joy! JOY I SAY! LOTS OF JOY! AND COOKING!! Only then would everything be alright and good in the world, as long as there was no fighting or people beating things up and training.  
  
Anistika started to laugh maniacally, but then the ship shuddered under it's own collapsing weight and a bunch of ceiling fell on her.  
  
*****  
  
"La la la la, I'm training my body to be better and stronger so I can finally defeat my True Love Yhisaki and make him fall in love with me!"  
  
In the gym, there was a lone person standing. Well, not standing, but doing some things that involved standing for brief moments at certain times as to not lose balance and fall and trip over something and hit your head. Ritanishoto was TRAINING! Her finely-tuned muscles were PUNCHING. And KICKING! EVERYTHING! She had to get stronger! FASTER! MORE BETTER! That was the only way Yhisaki would notice her and drag her into one of the hall-closets and give his MIGHTY MEAT- POPSCICLE unto her all night long! The others vying for his attention were not worthy! All they could do was cook and clean and wear glasses and claim lineage to royalty and easily pass themselves off as grade-schoolers! But her, oh, she could do so much more! She could execute a perfectly-timed DRAGON ELBOW OF THE EIGHTEEN SEASONS OF POINTY NAPALM and totally FUCK YOU UP if you so dared challenge her! Such moves were worthless against the powerful charm of Yhisaki, but she was determined to perfect a new move that he couldn't easily duck under or walk into another room to avoid. Only then could she call herself Yhisaki's True Love!  
  
One last hit on the punching bag, and the entire bag EXPLODED in a cloud of sawdust and styrafoam from the sheer power of 100% PURE UNFILTERED TRUE LOVE beating the holy crap out of it! She was SO almost ready to unleash a new special attack! Her Tension Gauge was just about half-full! TO THE MAX! Amidst all that, she idly wondered about the engine room for no apparent reason.  
  
Ritanishoto started to laugh maniacally, but then the ship shuddered under it's own collapsing weight and a bunch of ceiling fell on her.  
  
*****  
  
"Avast, toil further, you scurvy dogs!"  
  
The engine room was in a state of panic, the same type of panic that the rest of the ship was in, although a bit more subdued. Steam was erupting from pipes everywhere, and the bulkhead had been cracked, allowing the salty see water to gush in from all sorts of places. The powerful turbine engines were in danger!  
  
"Keep bailing that water, me mateys!" Tatako "Fred Jones" Yaikoshi was a gigantic man, his shirt been taken off minutes before as the danger levels rose to MAXIMUM PROPORTIONS. He commanded the workers under him expertly, and as well he should've, for he had thirty years experience commanding engine room workers on ships. Half of the men in the cramped quarters were hurriedly using buckets to pitch the rising water out of a nearby porthole, where the water immediately froze in the cold recesses of space and floated off. Tatako grabbed his big shovel and joined in the fight to keep the ship going. "Don't stop shoveling that coal, lads, or we'll never outrun the EXTRASLICEZORs! Shovel like the devil himself were poking your pansy bums with his hot pitchfork! ARRR!"  
  
The ones not bailing the ship out yelled a unified yell of affirmation, and redoubled their efforts. There was a mighty heap of coal to shovel, and if it didn't get shoveled, then the mighty steam engines that powered the ship would fail, and that would mean total death to everyone! The engines whined in protest as more and more coal was fed into the gaping maw of the main intake, belching fire and brimstone as if they were in hell itself! Sweat powered down the glistening backs of the shirtless men, the grunts of the working mixing amongst each other, the taut muscles stretching and sliding about as the tanned men fought for survival, and above all, thoughts of living to be able to shovel coal for their beautiful and scrumptious leader Yhisaki kept them going when all else failed.  
  
"WE'LL BEAT THIS DAMNED CHALLENGE YET!" was the mighty battle cry, as they began to pray that there were no freaky religious people making creepy predictions on the ship.  
  
They all started to laugh maniacally, but then the ship shuddered under it's own collapsing weight and a bunch of ceiling fell on them.  
  
*****  
  
"They're coming."  
  
In the darkness of one of the living quarters, a small ring of flame appeared. The light flickered and waved, casting light upon a single female face that was wide- eyed with fright. She knew that the EXTRASLICEZOR forces would attack them soon, and wouldn't take long in doing so. Maishinori was a Priestess of the Ryoaniskantolinaruto, destined to be a sacrifice for her god, MyuuPyuuRyuu-sama, and fulfill the prophecy of the Only Heaven of Light. Part of her role was to find The One Of Guide, a man who would make sure that she would not stray from the destined path she had been placed upon and see to it that no harm would befall her while she fulfilled her duty and saved the galaxy from the anti-good demon ANKAERNHBIEIASNIAFNAGHN, who threatened to DEVOUR the universe! And the galaxy. She had partially fulfilled her part, though, in finding what she thought was The One Of Guide: Yhisaki, the talented and wonderful man who she had fallen in love with so long ago. She had begun to question her god, and was torn with turmoil and grief over her waning faith. Not wanting to live with the shame of straying from her destiny, she attempted to throw herself off a cliff into a rocky cliff below back on her home planet of FJORD, but Yhisaki had been there and saved her from her suicidic attempt, slapped her, then walked off without another word. Shocked at his courageous display, she again found her god within her, and proclaimed herself to always be by The One Of Guide until her time to leave the mortal plane had come.  
  
"I have to warn the others of the attack before they attack!"  
  
Maishinori started to laugh maniacally, but then the ship shuddered under it's own collapsing weight and a bunch of ceiling fell on her.  
  
*****  
  
Captain Yhisaki "Ishmaelstrom" Matsumitosamakamichaniko sat triumphantly in his command chair, his hair waving slightly in the wind and his sparkling blue eyes shining greatly. He folded his arms and sat up with a triumphant smile on his face, his clean pressed military suit still exuding the dry-cleaner clean smell. His triumphant right eyebrow raised slightly in happiness as he laughed out loud.  
  
"You've done it, Captain!" the same nameless comm-reader proclaimed happily. "The ship's back up to 100% and all the enemy forces have been destroyed! Your foolproof plan worked! I'm sorry for ever doubting it!"  
  
"Think nothing of it, woman," Yhisaki tut-tutted, standing up and clapping his hands together. "Nothing can stop this ship when I'm in charge! Now, let's get this party started! Full-speed ahead, warp-factor E!"  
  
"Yes sir!"  
  
And with that, the mighty ship went forward, towards places and adventures unknown!  
  
THE END! 


	2. Ultra Samurai Battle FIGHT!

Fanfic 11  
  
Chapter 2  
  
-----  
  
KA-CHING!  
  
The two swords caromed off each other with a flash of light and a KA-CHING of sound effect. It had been a furious battle in the rice paddy, a battle that had lasted for several hours now. The sun overhead lazily let it's light down upon the field, glinting off of the metal armbands of the taller combatant, and not glinting off the non-armbands of the other.  
  
"Your death is inevitable, Kenshoryuken!" The one with the spiky black hair, a beret, and a sword bigger than his body said, heaving his breaths of air in and out like some sort of hot dog. The animal, I mean, hahahaha! You silly person.  
  
"Never! It is YOU who will die this day, Francois!" The remarkably bishounen samurai replied, rubbing his free hand across the totally fucking badass scar that went across his face at a weird angle. He hefted his non-edge katana up and pointed it at his French opponent, giving him a scary-ass glare to go along with it for emphasis.  
  
"Wrong, you puny schnip!" Francois was pissed off at the comment, the hotheaded ronin Frenchman he was. He took insults like that personally. Asshole.  
  
"Wrong... FOR YOU!" Kenshoryuken leapt forward, his sandaled feet splashing through the water of the vegetable farm at a speed only thought possible by people who were... THAT WAY.  
  
"Yes, come for me, Person-Killer! Your death is inevitable!!" Francois laughed, trying desperately to lift his frikking big sword from the ground, which was pretty hard because it was so FRIKKING BIG. Who carries something like that, anyway? Jesus.  
  
"Stupid, you just said that! RIGHT SPEED FRAME ALLOW!"  
  
WHAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMTCHIKTCHINGBLARGH!!  
  
Kenshoryuken was now standing behind his opponent, his sword mysteriously sheathed in it's sheath. Francois gargled, and fell to his knees. OH SHIT HE GOT CUT. A big gash was in Francois' side, and blood was spurting from the wound like a high-pressure hose! Man, did that kick hardcore butt.  
  
"Your sword... but.." Francois doubled over, hands pressed against his wound in a vain attempt to stem the flow of blood, even though he knew his efforts would be for naught.  
  
"My sword cuts without edge, for it can sense my inner feelings and bend my will to it's form. Your side was cut even before I took my first step."  
  
"Fucker!"  
  
And with that, the mighty French warrior, the master of the Getting Cut Up style of swordsmanship, coughed, spasmed, and died. Kenshoryuken unsheathed his sword, and placed the tip into the ground, closing his eyes in prayer for his fallen and totally worthy adversary that still got his ass taken.  
  
"You think you shall continue living, oh Person-Killer?"  
  
Kenshoryuken whirled around, his sheathed sword flinging upward to deflect a barrage of thirty-eight acid-etched poison-laced electric-powered ninja- stars. The projectiles all flew in different directions, with a good percentage of them all stabbing into Francois' dead corpse, which was kind of adding insult to injury, or death in this case. Not that he minded, being a dead corpse and all.  
  
"Who is there? Show yourself, coward!" Kenshoryuken was on Full Red Alert at this point. No one attacked him like that without saying their name, so he knew he could weasel the info out of him with a challenge like that.  
  
"I am right here in front of you, Person-Killer." The air above the ground shifted and warped, and a flash of smoke and puff of light exploded, with a tall man dressed in black in it's wake. "Your time is up, for you now face The Master MASTER, Master of all Masters, Master von Master."  
  
"What?!!1/13" yelled Kenshoryuken, taking a step back. He didn't have to yell that, because only the dreaded person called Master wielded weapons like that, and only he threw them at him, too. It was a rhetorical question/statement in many respects, because he had heard Master the first time anyway, and even if he hadn't, he knew who he was. Everyone knew of Master von Master, though only THREE people had ever seen him and lived to tell the tale. One of them had been Francois, who was rumored to be Master's... uh... "cousin".  
  
"I have come to kill you, Person-Killer. You have killed far too many persons in your past, regardless of how you try to live your life this day!"  
  
"But you yourself have killed many persons in YOUR past, Master von Master! You should try to kill yourself first!" Kenshoryuken didn't expect the trick to work, but it never hurts to try.  
  
"NO, you little punk."  
  
Dammit. He saw through the ruse. Kenshoryuken started sweating, and he nervously wiped his hands upon his torn and bloodied hakama. He needed a plan. A plan to DESTROY Master von Master, preferably without getting killed or dying or taking something pointy or sharp full in the face. Cause that would suck. BAD.  
  
"But still, tell me why you choose to take my life, when you have never seen fit to do so previously?" If he had to fight, he needed to know why. He hated fighting. If only he could retire to some village and become a carpenter or a painter like he had always wanted, living a life without death and destruction and the Way Of The Sword and having to lose girlfriends when they threw themselves in front of some enemies' sword when he would've dodged out of the way or blocked it. That part especially pissed him off.  
  
"Because you are the last remaining survivor of the School of Hard Sword. Your complete mastery of the fighting style thought lost to the sands of time is beyond comprehension." Master scowled as he talked, regarding Kenshoryuken with contempt usually kept for some lowly worm in the ground, or Francois, because he was such a puss.  
  
"But that is not true!" Kenshoryuken argued, his eyes widening. "The one who taught me Hard Sword lives still!"  
  
"WRONG. I killed him myself!" Master von Master laughed long and loud, his toothy grin mocking the look of disbelief on the young samurai's face as he heard the words. "Your master is deader than Francois there!"  
  
"OHGOD THE PAIN" Francois' voice emanated up from the body that was now starting to move and splash around like a fish.  
  
"..." Kenshoryuken blinked.  
  
"..." Master von Master's mouth fell open.  
  
"GRAHArNEKK im choking on my blood get a doctor" Francois spurted, trying to stand up.  
  
Master von Master threw about twenty more pointy metal projectiles into the form of Francois, who yelled in pain one last time and then went still, falling back down into the water with a splash.  
  
"There. Deader than that."  
  
Kenshoryuken was grinding his teeth together. Impossible! Ramen-sensei couldn't have been killed! He was thought to be invincible in battle! He once held off one-hundred and forty-two Elite Guards of the ruler of Japan. WITH A FUCKING PIECE OF STRAW! No one could kill him! Not even El Nino! "I don't believe you, von Master! My sensei is far too powerful to even be killed by your evil and not-as-powerful techniques!"  
  
"Yeah? Then how about this?" Master von Master's hand flew forward, and a shiny object spun through the air, almost in slow motion.  
  
It... no... it couldn't be. Kenshoryuken reached out slowly, grasping the flickering thingy as it came into his hand. Slowly, ever slow slowly, like in 1/8th normal slow-mo, the young fighter looked down at the object. A little bracelet rested in his palm, a bracelet adorned with little metal unicorns and hearts and rainbows and cherubs. It was Ramen-sensei's favorite piece of jewelry. No... NO.... NOOOOOOOO~~  
  
"RAAAARGH!" yelled Kenshoryuken with a bellow, his eyes closed tightly in pain. "How could you?! You bastard! You killed my master!"  
  
"YES! I DID! AHAHAHA!" Master von Master was enjoying the hurt on the inside of the pink-haired swordsman, he relished in it, he drank it like a fine Chianti! It made him so happy to know that his actions caused such a painful reaction to the one known as Person-Killer.  
  
"I... I won't..." Kenshoryuken was crying, both on the outside through his tear ducts and on the inside where he heart was. He was without a master now, his honor had been destroyed. "I won't let you get away with this!"  
  
"Oh? And what will you do now? Fight me? You can't! I am more powerful than you could ever imagine! Your blood will fly through the air like Francois' corpse here!" With that, Master kicked the unmoving body of the fallen Frenchman and sent it into a nearby tree.  
  
"FUCKHURT" came a yell from the flying body, but it stopped again after the tree impact.  
  
"I WILL AVENGE MY MASTER, AND BRING HONOR BACK TO MY FAMILY NAME!!" Kenshoryuken screamed, his gi-shirt totally ripping off his finely-toned torso from the sheer force of his muscles flexing. His sword sheath was off in a flash, and his famed non-edge sword was out, catching the light from the noon-day sun and giving off that wicked gleam that scares the crap out of people when they see it.  
  
"Yes! Let your anger take you! Give me the challenge I haven't yet been here to see or face! Come and attack me, so I can finally see the power of the legendary Person-Killer!"  
  
PA-KOW!  
  
Kenshoryuken slammed into Master within a fourth of a second, his mighty sword resounding off of the shimmering fist of the blocker. A half-second later, a splash of water resounded behind Kenshoryuken, finally reacting to the HYPER TENSION MOTIONING that the Hard Sword master had used to go that fast in an instant.  
  
"Interesting!" said Master, his fist straining to keep the sword from progressing further. The eyes of the two combatants were locked, each pair of white irised globular optical receptors staring directly into the other, sending little imaginary daggers into the other in hopes of making the other blink. "Your skill is large, Person-Killer, but your resolve is lacking! You are holding back!"  
  
Then a real life non-imaginary dagger appeared in Master's other hand, and was thrust right at Kenshoryuken in a dastardly underhanded move called Forward Stab With Dagger In Plain Sight! The air blurred with movement as both fighters moved, and the dagger met with nothing but air. Another splash, and Kenshoryuken landed ten feet away from Master, his sword in one hand, and a freshly made tiny little cut appearing across the non-scar part of his face, like his forehead.  
  
"Your skill is large as well, Master von Master. I shall have to release my restraints and allow myself to revert back into my old self, the REAL Person-Killer!"  
  
"What?! You have more power to gain! Incredible! Let it come!"  
  
"ShhooooooooooooooooRAH!" Kenshoryuken said, holding his sword in both hands and stabbing it into the ground. A mighty clap of thunder resounded above their heads in the cloudless sky, which should really mess with your head if you think about it. So don't.  
  
"You..." Master took a step back as he looked at the person in front of him. No longer did Kenshoryuken stand there. It was now THE PERSON-KILLER, [NAME- WITHHELD]. Eyes of crimson burned within the skull of the swordsman, and a slight scowl crossed the face. "You truly are the Person-Killer! This shall be a battle of forever!"  
  
"Your time is up, von Master." No rage marred the voice, only the steel- tempered intensity of a man pushed over the edge of madness.  
  
"You cocky fool, even with your new power, you will still fall to my attacks!"  
  
"Let's see."  
  
"VERY WELL! KAWAI... GENKI..." Master began chanting, his stance taking that of a football-hiker, with a dagger between his legs instead of a football and no one behind him with their hands on his butt. "SUGOOOOOOOOOOOOI!!!"  
  
The sky turned red as Master leapt forward, his blade extended. Wind came up in gales and the water around them all rose up like a gigantic force commanded them to do so.  
  
WA-TAK!  
  
Kenshoryuken calmly looked into the disbelieving eyes of Master von Master. The Person-Killer had blocked the attack. The water came down again, sliced in two by the attack and falling in separate halves. "Now it is my turn. WHOOOOOOOO!"  
  
SHU-FUCKING-PANG!  
  
It was now Master von Master who looked into the disbelieving eyes of the Person-Killer. OMG HE HAD ALSO BLOCKED THE ATTACK. Trees around them for a half- mile EXPLODED from the sheer force that had been expelled from the blocking of the attack that had been blocked.  
  
"..." said Kenshoryuken, a drop of sweat trailing down his forehead.  
  
"..." replied Master, a drop of sweat ALSO trailing down his forehead.  
  
"god make it stop" torted Francois' mangled and burnt body laying ten feet away from the two.  
  
"IT IS TIME FOR THE FINAL BATTLE," growled Master.  
  
"YES, IT IS," Kenshoryuken agreed.  
  
The sky then TURNED TOTALLY BLACK, and raging storm clouds started raining rainy rain down upon the two fighters, soaking them through and through and letting the water drip off their awesomely hawt hair in that special way that everyone likes.  
  
"ULTRA FIGHTING MANUEVER!" yelled Master, moving so fast that he broke eighteen state speed records, including one in Yugoslavia and two in New Jersey.  
  
BLAMMO! Blocked.  
  
"MASSIVE BLUNT HITTY!" yelled Kenshoryuken, swinging so hard that the force went back 35 years into the past before Master was even born and made Master's dad yell "SONUVABITCH OW MY KIDNEY!" and fall over.  
  
ZWAMPUSCH! Dodged.  
  
"RISING FORCE APPLY!"  
  
"PHOENIX ARC SLASH!"  
  
"BETTER ULTRA FIGHTING MANUEVER!"  
  
"HARDER MASSIVE BLUNT HITTY!"  
  
"RAGING APOCALYPSE!"  
  
"ANGLE STRIKE!"  
  
The ground shook, the air roared, the wind howled, the rain splattered, the entire place was in a big fat uproar as the two fighters exchanged special attacks, flipping out and busting zwees and gleaming the cube and generally going all over. the forest clearing in an attempt to kill each other as hard as they possibly could. The battle continued on like that, with bursts of fire erupting from Kenshoryuken's arms, and multiple shadow-copies of Master jumping all over the place, and flashes of light and cracks of sound and whiffs of smell and explosions of taste just dominating the field. Anyone watching would have their puny minds BLOWN just from the sight of it.  
  
"letmedie" Francois pleaded desperately as he lay on the ground, right before a big swath of lighting from a stray attack slammed into him and electrocuted him to a golden brown crisp with lemon.  
  
Ten minutes later, the two fighters had stopped. The area for ten kilometers around was totally BARREN, the mighty powers of swordplay and fighting spirit and personal pride and honor and ULTIMATE FINAL ATTACKS having ripped the very foliage and landmarks from their place and sending them far, far away. They were at an impasse. They had fought so hard, so long, so fast, and yet neither of them could hit the other.  
  
"Your moves... are strong..." huffed Kenshoryuken, leaning a bit on his sword so he wouldn't fall over from lack of energy.  
  
"As... are yours.." puffed Master, hunched over a bit so he wouldn't tip over from inability to move his legs.  
  
Kenshoryuken was worried. He had to end this fight, lest he be struck down in a moment of weakness. There had to be some way past his defenses. He had always been able to come up with a way to overcome a challenge that he had thought to be undefeatable. But how could he defeat Master? Kenshoryuken's brain thought and thought, his eyes never leaving the gaze of Master, for fear that if he blinked, Master would rise up and kill him with one quick motion. One quick motion...  
  
Kenshoryuken didn't blink, even though the realization he had just got warranted one. The solution. He had figured it out. Why it had taken this long to realize what he had to do was a mystery. A man with no apparent weaknesses, and Kenshoryuken had neglected to think of the simple solution when it was as plain as the day he was currently occupying.  
  
"You, Master..." the handsome samurai said breathlessly, standing up to his full height and hefting his sword once again.  
  
"Are you ready now, to die?" Master growled, also standing up, looking a bit refreshed from his slight rest.  
  
"No. But you had better be, for I now know what I must do to defeat you."  
  
"Then do what you think will work, and when you've failed, I will kill you with my next blow."  
  
Kenshoryuken steadied his stance, gripping his unique non-edge sword with both hands and closing his eyes. He had to do this correctly, or he would fail. And failure was not an option.  
  
"RAAAAAR!" Master yelled, rushing towards Kenshoryuken at a speed thought unattainable by mortal men, blur lines and everything streaming off him as he ran towards his opponent.  
  
SCHIK.  
  
There they stood, backs facing each other, the mighty runpast attacks executed and in the final frame of animation. A gust of wind blew slowly across the battlefield as no one moved, not even an inch.  
  
"You.." Master coughed, then coughed blood, then coughed some more blood, then fell to his knees and coughed even more blood. Master's own dagger was sticking into his chest, eerie red viscera lifeblood oozing out from the wound and down his black shirt and stomach. "But.. how... how did you defeat me?"  
  
"It was simple, Master von Master." Kenshoryuken turned around, his sword already sheathed in it's sheath. "I realized that the only way that I would be able to overcome your speed... was to go faster than you were going. So I did."  
  
GURGLEGURGLE. Master coughed a bunch of more blood, and then fell over, completely dead.  
  
"I live..." Kenshoryuken mused, tears squeezing out from his tightly-closed eyelids. "But for what? To kill again? Is my life worth it? Should I be allowed to live, only to take the life of another? Is it right for me to do that? I do not know..."  
  
And with that, the fearless long-haired badass swordguy started walking, his feet dragging across the ground with each step, his soul heavy with the weight of his moral conscience crushing down upon his heart. Another day to live, another day to die... neither choice sounded thrilling to the wandering master of Hard Sword. So he walked into the distance, into the sunset on the horizon, and awaited night, so he could sleep a fitful sleep, and try to forget the day.  
  
"pain bad" blurbed Francois' smoking corpse, which then rolled into a pool of acid and melted.  
  
THE END! 


	3. Super Religious Robot EPIC!

Fanfic 11  
  
Chapter 3  
  
-----  
  
SKREEEEEEEE!!  
  
"Quickly, we must deploy the Seraph Units!"  
  
The iron-grating hiss-squeal tore through the air all SKREEEEEEetc.- like, making the people inside the hidden underground science facility/slash/military base all hold their hands to their ears in pain and turn down the volume on their speakers.  
  
"Roger! Get our pilots into those Seraphs!"  
  
The man only known as Injiki sat in his chair at the top of the room, overlooking the people at the control panels and other computer-esque objects scurry frantically to input the correct commands that their jobs required. Injiki had a small smile on his face. It was almost time. The final trial for the Seraph Units. If all went well, then the Greatening could be accomplished without anything else needed. And the Greatening needed to be accomplished, because it was his life's work to accomplish the Greatening. Fuh-pah!  
  
"Where is Kani? Why is he not in SU-0001?" Injiki said a bit whimsically, his hands rubbing together as if they were being controlled by something else that wasn't attached to him.  
  
"He's still laying in bed and watching TV!" came the reply from his headset. "No response from his communicator!"  
  
"Worthless child. GO GET HIM. If he does not pilot Seraph Unit 0001, then the encroaching alien threat will become too much for us to handle! And prep Seraph Unit 00038 as well, and get Rice in there, she needs to run pass-defense!!"  
  
"Yes sir!"  
  
"Ahh.." Injiki was happy, in a 'I'm kind of not like you, but that's okay because you'll all understand THE REALITY OF LIFE SOON' type of way. He was so close to his achievement... all he needed was his somewhat-useless step-son to pilot the fucking robot/[SPOILER] hybrid and beat up some fucking weird-ass aliens so everyone wouldn't FUCKING DIE. WAS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? HUH? ANYONE? God.  
  
*****  
  
Kani lay on his bed, in the darkness. In the adjoining room, the tv was on, sending small flickers of light into the OTHER adjoining rooms, not just into Kani's bedroom. Kani was a strange child, one that didn't like to do that much. Sure, he liked to sit in his room, and guesstimate on how much stuff other people did, and try to figure out why everything was SO DAMNED WORTHLESS IN THE END, but he wasn't *like* the other weird kids that you think about when you start thinking about that kind of thing. He didn't want to pilot the gigantic robot/[SPOILER] for BRIC, even though his step-dad really really really wanted him to. Kani thought for a moment on just how badly Injiki had wanted for him to get into that robot and save the city from a rampaging also- gigantic rampaging monster that was rampaging through the rampaged city that was getting rampaged on.  
  
---  
  
"'Kani, get into Seraph Unit 0001. You can save the city,'" Injiki had been very adamant about his step-son's involvement, going so far as to give his aide a message to relay. Right then, Ratino, said aide, was trying to coax Kani out of one of the BRIC service closets with a bag of candy. "Really! Just try it!"  
  
"Ehh," Kani ehh-ed, not even moving from his not-so-much-hiding- place. He didn't want to move, so indifferent to the situation was he.  
  
"You... seem indifferent to the situation that we're in. Have you no opinion about it at all?"  
  
From above ground, a great shaking was heard, and also felt, as the ground BELOW them shook as well with the force of a giant gross alien thingy stomping around up there on ground level and blowing shit up.  
  
"Meh."  
  
"DAMMIT KANI, DON'T MAKE ME COME IN THERE YOU FUCKING BRAT! GET OUT HERE AND SAVE OUR SORRY ASSES!"  
  
"..."  
  
"..er, I mean, 'I'll give you more batteries for your Walkman'. How does that sound?"  
  
"..."  
  
"...fine! I'm getting the janitor! Then HE will make you save humanity!"  
  
---  
  
Kani sighed a bit, but not that much, because he found himself unable to bring forth enough energy to put much feeling into it. The communicator next to his bed was beeping and beeping, and giving off some sort of weird sounds that seemed strangely familiar...  
  
"-UCKING PUNK, WE'RE ALL GONNA GET VAPORIZED! YOUR ASS! HERE! GET! NOW!"  
  
Ahh yes. Ratino. He was always concerned with Kani's well being, going so far as to let him live there while he went to school. Maybe he *should* go down to BRIC... it wouldn't be the first time. He still remembered when he initially was put into Seraph Unit 0001's cockpit and was ejected up to ground level to fight a big monster that was doing explosionistic things and had violentified tendencies.  
  
---  
  
"Whoa DAMN, that thing's FUG-LY." Was the general consensus coming from Kani's radio speaker. All around him were electronics and thingies and two control sticks that assumably controlled the robot in some way, not that he knew because he had just been thrown into the cockpit and ejected up to ground level to fight a big monster that was doing explosionistic things and had violentified tendencies. He hadn't even read the user's manual yet. And it was almost 3,000 pages long.  
  
Outside the Seraph Unit 0001, a big, giant, ugly, big, massively large monster-creature(don't worry, it was only as big as SU-0001) was stomping around like some big thing in a Godzilla movie, dealing destruction and whatnot, because that's what they do. It also looked like someone threw up some jambalaya onto a big blob of toxic waste. GROSS.  
  
"Okay Kani," came Ratino's instructions from BRIC HQ a long ways under the ground. "All you have to do is use Seraph Unit 0001's controls, and kill the.. um... whatever that ungodly thing is. Okay? Good."  
  
"Pfeh." Kani interjected, his head hanging down upon his chest and his entire body not even beginning to think about moving to follow those commands. Such pointlessness surrounded him. Why even try, when he would undoubtedly fail? He did not know, and therefore he didn't try to understand. He would not be able.  
  
"YOU SON OF A BITCH!" came the yell from the speaker, right before sounds of a scuffle and more yelling. Ratino was a bit upset at the whole 'gonna die horribly' thing.  
  
KROOOOOOOOOOOOOOR!  
  
And then, before Kani could even think about not wanting or trying to react to anything around him, the monster, later labeled Jethro, shot forth a MIGHTY STREAM OF [CENSORED], causing Seraph Unit 0001 to COMPLETELY DISINTEGRATE COMPLETELY.  
  
---  
  
Kani was lucky to have survived such an attack. Luckily, he wasn't killed, and woke up later in the hospital. He was fine, no injuries. Sigh. Like it mattered. His head lolled against his chest limply, his will to move totally not there. He didn't want to pilot the robot any more. There was no point.  
  
"Okay, now just make sure to kill this one, or we're all boned."  
  
One of Kani's eyes opened, and noted that he was sitting inside the cockpit of Seraph Unit 0001, and that the voice of Ratino was coming in through the speaker. Looks like his ambivalent musings overpowered the physical response that accompanied armed men busting into his room, carting him down to BRIC HQ, and throwing him into SU-0001. Such was life. Sigh.  
  
*****  
  
"Dammit, that little shit isn't moving again. What the hell did you do to him?"  
  
Ratino's angry question reached the ears of Injiki, who didn't turn the small smile upon his face. Oh, they wouldn't understand what had been done when Kani was simply a mere child. Such things weren't in the comprehension of most. But the purpose he held was beyond that of anyone, even Injiki, and even though Kani still did not know, it mattered not. For it would serve itself just as well.  
  
"Nothing. He's fine. What are his readings?"  
  
"Readings are.. well, not high. Which doesn't fucking surprise me, seeing as how he's about as lifeless as my dic-- hey, wait."  
  
Injiki's small smile widened, just a bit, like 2 millimeters in width and probably 3 in height. "What is it? Are his readings INCREASING?"  
  
"Yeah, they are.. but he isn't moving! How... how can this be, he isn't even moving, and his readings are still moving up!"  
  
"I feel I must tell you of the power of the Seraph Units, my friend. They have a potentiality to create immense power, but through conventional means it remains lost. It must tap into the inner self of the pilot who drives it. The Seraphs do not feed off emotion, though, as one might think. They feed off NO EMOTION."  
  
"...er, pardon?"  
  
"THEY RUN ON DISPASSION, ON LETHARGY, ON INDIFFERENCE! THE MORE UNFEELING, THE MORE UNEMTIONAL THE PILOT IS, THE STRONGER IT BECOMES!!" Injiki was raving at this point, yelling triumphantly from his chair, standing on the arm rests and shaking his fists in victory toward the dull grey ceiling above him. "THE MERE FACT THAT KANI IS SO LIFELESS IS BRINGING ABOUT THE AWESOME POWER THAT IT HOLDS! NOTHING CAN STOP IT!" It actually was very possible he had stopped talking to Ratino completely in the middle of that. Wouldn't surprise anyone.  
  
"You're saying these things run off Stoicovsky Particles."  
  
"YES!! AHHAHAHHHHHAAA!!!"  
  
"..." Ratino stared at Injiki, not talking.  
  
"..." Injiki stared at Ratino, not talking.  
  
"..."  
  
"..."  
  
"..."  
  
"..."  
  
"..."  
  
"..."  
  
"Uh... huh. Gotcha."  
  
And with that annoying long-assed panning shot out of the way, Ratino finally passed off his commander as being totally batshit and went back to wondering why Kani's readings were going up.  
  
Injiki was calm by that point, his own low chuckling only reaching his own ears. Ratino knew the source of the Seraph's power now. That meant that when the fight was over, he had to die. There wasn't any other way. It was too bad, Ratino had really been a good aide. A little hot-tempered, but still good. Injiki made a note to have Ratino killed, and resumed his busy job of watching the big screen in front of him that showed various things to him.  
  
*****  
  
SKREEEEEEEEEEEE+1.  
  
Big explosions were occurring all around SU-0001, and Kani wasn't moving still. Well, I guess he WAS moving technically, if you take into consideration the rocking back and forth the big bi-pedal half-sentient weapon was doing because of the resultant force of the monster- explosions, and gravitational rotation of the planet, and such, but if you're using a relative point of reference from inside the cockpit, Kani really wasn't moving that much.  
  
"Why..." Kani muttered, before almost blinking  
  
'Why...' he re-intoned in his head, because it took less effort to think it  
  
than speak it. 'Why am I in here? Why are any of us "in here"? Is there a greater purpose for my being? For what is that then? I shouldn't care... I don't care... I mustn't care... to stop........ inside....'  
  
And with those thoughts finished, Kani's eyes glossed over, his vision blurring, his body not even caring enough to focus his eyes to see the big monster that was kicking his ass and the asses of all the buildings around him and not around him. Every iota of his being had stopped caring, and if Kani had any control of it, he most likely would've stopped his unconscious respiratory functions and the other things his body does without needing a constant reminder. Such things... just didn't matter. Too much effort was taken in keeping those up. Even... his thoughts. Were then stopped.  
  
*****  
  
"CHRIST, WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENENING?" Ratino was agitated, looking at the computer readouts and the constant updates on Kani's status. The power that Seraph Unit 0001 was outputting was more than he thought possible. It was inconceivable. SU-0001, which was only a mere machine and not anything else, after all, could only do so much. It couldn't reach past the human boundaries that had been placed upon it. ...OR COULD IT? "Commander Injiki, I can't explain what is happening! This is beyond my comprehension!"  
  
"I KNOW. Eheeheehee!!"  
  
"...dammit sir, please don't do this right now. I'm under a lot of stress."  
  
"LOOK, YOU FOOL!"  
  
On the giant monitor that displayed the fight going on up on ground level, the big fairly-undescribed monster was launching big blasts of energy from it's pie-hole right at Seraph Unit 0001, who was still simply standing there and taking it like a wussy. But then suddenly, a faint glow began to emanate from around SU-0001, and the next energy blast was simply ABSORBED into it! Creepy!  
  
"What? Sir, what is that?" Ratino was confused still. "What is it doing?"  
  
"It's projecting a TOTAL-DISREGARD FIELD, protecting it from all attack! That means... that means..."  
  
"Fine, sure, whatfuckingever." Ratino rolled his eyes and went back to his seemingly futile job of trying to discern why the hell the world hated him right then.  
  
"It means Kani had finally achieved... ENNUI MODE." Injiki whispered, his words once again only reaching his own ears. His eyes widened as he finally processed his own statement. It had happened. He made another note to kill Ratino, because he now knew of another secret that the Seraph Units held and couldn't be trusted with the information.  
  
Upon the monitor, SU-0001 suddenly exploded with light, albeit a very dull, seemingly uncaring light. The light was overpowering, and it blanked out the monitor for a few moments, causing all instruments to show up as being unreadable. And then, after the light vanished, the monster that had previous been there... WAS NO LONGER THERE. Instead, all there stood was the gaping crater where the ground used to be, with Seraph Unit 0001 standing in the middle, again motionless.  
  
"...wtf." Ratino muttered, pulling a silver flask from his pocket and quickly taking a swig before laying down on the floor and cursing at the ceiling. The few other operators that sat at the terminals around him glanced down at their sub-leader, but continued not-talking out of fear for their lives.  
  
"THE GREATENING." Injiki giggled a bit insanely. "So... close... if only the last piece of the puzzle would come onto the board..."  
  
"Hey guys, I'm here!" came a happy female voice from the speaker as the differently-colored Seraph Unit 00038 appeared on the monitor in the general vicinity of the crater and looked around.  
  
"DAMMIT, RICE!" yelled Ratino from his spot on the floor, waving his arms and accidentally sloshing a good bit of whiskey from his flask onto the steel floor. "The monster is fucking DEAD! DEAD! GONE AND DEAD! EVERYTHING IS FUCKING ITSELF UP JUST FINE WITHOUT YOU! GO AWAY!"  
  
"...awww man." SU-00038 slouched a bit, then dejectedly plodded away.  
  
"Sir!"  
  
Ratino GLARED at the terminal operator that had finally spoke. "WHAT?"  
  
"Er.. uh.. we're getting some strange readings here, and--"  
  
"OH, STRANGE READINGS, YOU SAY?" he yelled sarcastically, scrambling to his feet so as to lean right into his face. "REALLY now?"  
  
"Sir, just look!"  
  
Ratino looked at the screen. He then blinked. He then looked at the big-ass monitor that showed above ground. From the sky, a bright light was shining, a pillar of luminescence like no other, piercing through the air, blinding all those who looked upon it. A brighter flash, then the light was gone. And in it's place, a form stood where before there was none. A form, standing before the non-moving SU-0001, in defiance, in anger, indignation, in appall...  
  
"OH JESUS."  
  
Yep, it was Jesus. The son of God, the one and only Christian Messiah, the healer of the afflicted, the guy who turned water into wine. Jesus. Literally.  
  
He was also about 60 meters tall, too. Hey, who knew?  
  
QRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! came the thunderous cry from the giant maw of Jesus as he reared back and punched SU-0001 with a mighty right-cross. The attack blew right through the TD-Field and clocked SR-0001 full in the face, knocking the mightyfied weapon onto the ground and sending it back hundreds of feet through breaking concrete and buildings and such.  
  
"Finally..." Injiki was happy, happier than he had ever been before in his life. For at that moment, he fully, truly, really knew the destiny of the world and everything on it. The Greatening was closing in... the final piece had appeared, and now the battle taking place above his very head would decide the future. THE FUTURE OF THE ENTIRITY.  
  
SU-0001 slowly, slowly, slooooooowly stood up, arms hanging limply at it's sides. It didn't react further, so powerful were the waves of pure uncare fueling its being. But it didn't have to move, for the giant robed form of Jesus was already bearing down upon it, eyes lit up like the very embodiment of heavenly wrath.  
  
Only another second passed, and the light broke free, engulfing SU- 0001, Jesus, the destroyed city around them, the monitor screen, the sky, EVERYTHING. From within, a piece of music started playing, sounding as if being brought inside the hearts of every man, woman, child, and dog upon the Earth. A warm melody, a light piano, perhaps a harp, even a Gibson bass; they were all possible, inside the minds of everything.  
  
"Sonuvabitch." Ratino cursed, lighting up a cigarette and taking a puff right before his head EXPLODED in a shower of light.  
  
"Here... finally... GREATNESS..." Injiki whispered shrilly, right before HIS head exploded in a shower of light.  
  
Then everyone's head exploded in a shower of light. Then the WOLRD'S HEAD exploded in a shower of light!  
  
...........................  
  
THE END! 


End file.
